Monday, October 5, 2009

Resilience Revisted

I just made what I thought was a mistake at first, by watching Magnolia again. It was a whim; I wanted to simply watch the "what now then" scene again. But from the very start, I was sucked in like a moth into a jet engine.

And the journey was not what I had expected.

It was like watching a History Channel documentary of pain rather than one of fresh, stinging wounds. I was not moved at all like I usually was in the past. (I'll confess, in fact, to a secret single behavior from the spring and summer of 2001: I used to watch selected 10 or 15 minute bits of this film in the morning before going to work in order to cry and feel a sense of release before I would face my every stoney and demanding day.) It basically confirmed my earlier suspicion that so much of what this film represents is more than a decade behind me, even if I am seeing it pop up in other people's lives today.

However, I wasn't entirely spared.

The final frame of the film still got me. It hit me right in the chest. It wasn't pain - it was resilience.

Where do I get all this hope inside me? Where do I get this indestructible optimism that can even glimmer dimly through the darkest moments? It powers almost everything strong inside me and always has. It has delivered me every time, when I've been able to deliver myself.
How can I, even at this very, very late moment, still love???

I guess it is the exasperation of knowing this is another unanswerable question, and the joy of knowing it's true anyway, that brings the rush of emotion that I can't control.


Anonymous said...

Not to change the subject, but I found this site thru Citizen Crain.

What has become of it?

Kevin said...

Sorry - you'll have to ask Chris...